Thursday 14 November 2013

Pregnancy defining word

If i had to label this pregnancy, the word I would choose would be LARD - pig's fat. Yes thats right my friends, you heard me right. Long live bacon, blood pudding pork belly, pork crackling, and any other kind of pig's fat, cooked whichever way it goes. Cos you can take away my steak soaked in blood with  a runny egg on top (seriously, i cannot tolerate well done meat - i like my cow with the heart still beating...), but you cant fucking take away the lard. And i shall fight any pregnant woman's right to LARD.

Long live LARD.

Monday 11 November 2013

They finally let me in on the joke.....

One of the most interesting things when one is pregnant is the reaction people have when you tell them about the fact that you are knocked-up. When the first person has a wild-oh-my-gosh-im -so-happy-im-gonna-choke reaction, you think to yourself, perhaps he or she was having a good day, or had one too many coffees or glasses of wine. When 10 or 20 people have the same type reaction you really start wondering what the fuck they've had ingested which you had not yet been exposed to (bear in mind none of my friends are substance abusers, so this was rather surprising). Seriously, you start wondering if the whole world is on drugs and you perhaps are the only person who isn't.

To cite just a few examples, one of my boss' bosses got so happy - but i mean SO HAPPY - with it, that i had to stop for a second and think if he wasn't really the father of the child - and no, he was not. But he was way happier than my husband (who was himself quite pleased may I say).
Another example was my aunt, whom i don't even speak too often with. With her the conversation was surreal, and hers was by far the best ever reaction - I loved it! She had just arrived from the airport from meeting her new born grandson, and was driving home with my uncle. She was on the wheel, my uncle picked up the phone. It goes like this:

CK- Hello, all good? Congratulations on your new grandson, how was the trip?
Uncle- yes very good, he is very cute, they're all doing well.
CK - Well i'm calling to give you some news as well, which I wanted to give you personally. I'm pregnant
Aunt - Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Uncle (in background, barely audible) - Oh congratulations!
Aunt - Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CK - it's a girl!
Aunt - Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Uncle - how nice!
Aunt - (exhale) A GIRL!!!!!!!!!Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CK - expected for May 3rd
Aunt - A GIRL!!!!!!!!!Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CK - ok then cool, just wanted to let you know
Aunt - Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Uncle - Congratulations again
Aunt - Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My darling child, if you have a deaf mother, please blame your Aunt Grace!!!!

Anyway, going back to the topic. It is rather odd to see people's excitement - regardless of their gender.
At the beginning i really thought they were all high on something - honest. Then i realised that they were not. The reality was, they all had kids, they all haven't slept in many years, they all had faced tons and tons of poo and been puked on countless numbers of times. They've all been cried on and farted on. They were just smiling cause they saw in me another sucker who didn't have a clue what she was getting into - another sucker who was going to spend countless nights without sleeping.

But then again.... Then again maybe not. Maybe they were just pleased that I was going to experience what they themselves had experienced and which they could not put into words. Maybe I had finally been let in on the joke. On the joke that having kids ****migh, just might**** be kind of wonderful. Or in the words of my friend Lauralou, a kid is like an orgasm - you never knew what you were missing until you had one.

Friday 8 November 2013

What's different?


I bumped into my friend Maggie the other day, and she did come up with this really heavy question: "Do you notice any difference now that you are pregnant?". I found the question amusing, to say the least. After all, Maggie has had two kids (who are wonderfully good kids by the way) but she herself confessed she was sick for 9 months whilst she carried each of them. And by sick i mean she puked all over the place.

I am very grateful that i have not been sick. I mean SUPER GRATEFUL.

But going back to the hot potato - what do I notice has changed... Well let me tell you, if you ever see me with a black eye, it was not that my husband has hit me, but rather that i forgot to wear a bra whilst sleeping. THAT, my friend, is what has bloody changed. I don't have boobs anymore - they have formally transitioned to become dumbells, ginormous, weapons of mass destruction.

And when i went to the special gigantic boob bra store the other day, and had a fitting, i was scared when i looked at the specimen the shop assistant had brought me - "no fucking way, that's not a bra, thats a straight jacket!" Unfortunately it wasn't even large enough and i nearly cried. To which the lovely lady had to explain that so many people would pay big money to get knockers as big as these....

Ah well, there it goes for dignity in pregnancy...

Priscilla is back!

And so it turns out that I'm knocked-up. And some people thought this was the perfect excuse to go back to blogging. After so many years away, I'M BACK!

Not quite sure yet what will come of this space. I don't want it to be a baby blog. It's just my blog and i reserve the right to speak baby whenever i feel like it. On the other occasions i may just bitch about life in general and some people in particular.

Let's see what comes out....